She sat at the edge of the cliff. Her backpack filled with rocks to weigh her down. She was a good swimmer, but she didn’t want to swim. She wanted the ocean to swallow her up. It seemed so calm and welcoming this day and the sun streamed down on her face as she whispered to herself ‘it’s the right thing to do’………
……..Just one week before this, she resigned from her job. Feeling worthless, like a failure and having no purpose in life. A job she loved, completely threw herself into and a building she had worked in for nearly 15 years – had become a part of her soul. She didn’t think this day would come. But it wasn’t the job that broke her, it was a person. Someone she trusted and respected. For a couple of months she felt something changing. Slowly, but surely her character was assassinated. Chipping away at her self esteem and self worth. She would lie awake at night wondering if it was all worth it, but her passion for what she did only pulled her back in. And she would fight her inner demons daily. But the final blow, the last chink in her armour sunk deep into her heart……She was broken. Her self respect, self love and any ounce of confidence she thought she had, was gone. She was so tired. Exhausted. Defeated.
She spent that afternoon at her doctors. Wondering what the fuck had just happened. Wondering what she was going to do. Her love of an industry and her trust in humans had all but disappeared. Where was the integrity. Do people even have it anymore? She could not think rationally and so, took a week of – she needed space and she didn’t want to be around anyone really.
Exactly one week later, back at work – it was World Mental Health Day…..the 10/10/18 and it was 8am. She walked out of work. It’s all a bit of a blur now. An out of body experience. She doesn’t remember emptying her bag in her office, but she remembers walking in a haze toward the beach. She felt totally and utterly worthless. It was time. They’d all be better off without her.
She got to the beach and walked up to the top of one of her favourite spots. She stood for a moment and looked out to sea and thought, this is where I belong.
She sat at the edge of the cliff. Her backpack filled with rocks to weigh her down. The ocean seemed calm and welcoming and the sun streamed down on her face as she whispered to herself ‘it’s the right thing to do’………
She looked out and spotted a mother humpback whale and her calf – playing for the crowds watching on a nearby boat. So she sat and watched and thought ‘are they calling me?’ And as she sat, she cried, and thought that there would be more happiness if she was no longer here. She had caused pain for her family and she was feeling disillusioned with the industry she loved so much.
As she sat for what seemed like hours, she decided that when she couldn’t see the calf anymore, that was her time. That was her calling. She was a failure. A worthless piece of shit using up oxygen that she didn’t deserve. Her head was completely fucked up. A win for the bullies. The manipulators had conquered and the puppeteers didn’t need an encore, they’d had an awesome performance.
And just as she went to stand up, she hears a ‘hello’. I responded with ‘how did you know where I’d be’ 😢. A hug. A cry. No other words needed to be said. No looks needed to be exchanged. Just the sound of the ocean and the warmth of the sun.
And like a scene out of a movie, they both looked up, and right in front of them, just metres away – out of nowhere, a whale calf breached. Breathtakingly graceful. Beautiful. If I needed a sign that was it. And as magically as it appeared – it disappeared.
Two figures appeared to her right. Her girls. 💕. Embracing each other they all cried. Relief. Sadness. Anger. Fear. Every emotion possible ran through our bodies. ‘He’s won. He’s broken me. I have nothing left,’ she said.
She squeezed her tight and the kids grabbed hold. They sat in silence again and stared out to the beautiful sea once again.
She had no clue what was happening. How long she was there. Why she was still alive and how she got to this point. I guess it didn’t matter. Or did it? Could she get through this? Could she feel truly alive and free again? She was so tired. Exhausted. Defeated.
There was a reason she was meant to stay on this planet. She didn’t know what that was as she slept and dreamt and slept some more.
She slept soundly that night from emotional exhausrion and woke the next day, Sitting bolt upright in her bed and thought ‘I am worth more than this!’ So with a whole of of ‘fuck you’ she got up and knew that there was a lot of mental and emotional healing needed but she also knew that she was not going to contemplate letting another human make her feel this way. This healing wouldn’t happen straight away, but she was determined to be well again.
…….now…….Fast forward to 2 weeks ahead. A lot has happened. She was back at work with, as committed as always to make a difference. No it wouldn’t feel the same, she was leaving. Like pet of her had already died, she had to face the reality that her life was about to change. She knew she was mentally fucked up . A suicide prevention plan was in place, and back to her psychologist. What the hell was going on!
She has left a part of her soul behind – well at least that’s what it feels like. You don’t just get over it that quick. She has had intensive TRTP (The Richards Trauma Process) therapy which is absolutely amazing. This has completely changed her. Her life has changed. Just ask her. She will say ‘in all of my 50years of living, I have never felt like this. I have never had no self doubt. I have never felt completely confident and at peace’. It’s what she will say because it’s the truth.
NB: TRTP™ is an elegantly simple, yet comprehensive, step-by-step process which resolves extreme trauma and trauma-related issues – anxiety, depression, fears and phobias. It achieves results quickly, effectively and safely – generally in 3 sessions.
It is a truly eclectic therapy. It is a very structured, yet dynamic process. It includes components of Gestalt, Mindfulness, Ego-state Therapy, Choice Therapy, Cognitive Therapy, Parts Therapy, Emotion-focused Therapy, Motivational Interviewing, Dream Rehearsal Therapy and others.
It is a dynamic, rich and sequenced series of steps, which, if separated would not be anywhere near as powerful. It is unique. It allows space for the individual client’s needs to be met.
TRTP™ makes use of hypnosis. Hypnosis is used in order to deal with trauma where it is stored – in the subconscious and in the body.
This shit is awesome. She has dealt with what has happened and feels on top of the world. Clear. Focussed and more importantly – immensely happy and so alive.
It is hard to describe this therapy but she knows now that she was taken to this dark place to realise her actual worth.
She doesn’t just acknowledge this self worth. She believes it. She believes she is more than enough. She is not just the storm at the top of the ocean. She is the ocean.
She is disappointed that she has let her guard down and trusted people in the way that she did. But it has also made her even stronger again. And that’s cool. She had ever so quickly, dusted herself off from the lies and bullshit that has come her way and knows that the universe has her back.
So….this is my story. Yes I fucking struggled. Yes I wanted to die. But I didn’t, thank fuck! I’m here. I’m loved. I mean something.
I am enough. I am more than enough and I am one fucking amazing human being.
NB: This story is not to seek pity or even empathy. It is to bring awareness to Mental Health issues. We do not know what each other suffers and what can trigger these demons. All I ask is that you listen – do not hear. Be that shoulder to cry on. Hold out your hand if someone needs it. Help break the stigma so that people don’t take that final step over the edge. Your life is worth saving, living and loving. Reach out. Please.
I will make it one of my goals to help women with their confidence and self esteem. To empower them to be the best version of themselves. To learn how to stand up and speak the truth, even if they’re shit scares. To stand up to those that belittle them. To look in the mirror and see a confident and amazing human being that is admired by others. To see peace in their heart and find time to care for themselves. To know and believe that they’re more than enough and brush off those that think any less.
Life is a gift. Spend it with those that think you are a gift to them.
Xxxx Coll
Capture Life 